July!

Today is the 22nd day of the month of July in the year of our lord 2023 and I'm witing this with a blanket, albeit a thinnish blanket, over my knees because it's bloody starvation. I'm not asking for much just a few degrees of warmth more commensurate with the season. There is a distinctly Autumnal feel in the air and I don't think that is what we need just now. So, Nature, if you could sort yourself out I'd be very grateful.

Elsewhere in my world, the sense of discombobulation and anxiety have abated somewhat. I'm still feeling a wee peripheral though now that the level of detachment has gone back to its base of general discomfort with everything rather than the earlier feelings of what I can only describe as Arrrgh!

Reducing my usage of Twitter has probably helped. Mainly because I'm not now subjecting myself to a daily stream of uninformed drivel from people lacking in empathy and common decency. The daily journal that I've been keeping for a long time now also helps.

The next step on the climb out of the dicombobulation pit is to be a tad more sociable and get out into the world. I'll be starting this leg of the process once I get paid and am able to put aside some money for going out in public. I hope that this will work because I don't like feeling on the outside and would like to feel a bit more popular, bearing in mind that I've not felt popular or a full part of anything for most of my life.

This likely stems from middle school when all the kids I'd gone to junior school sent me to Coventry, didn't speak to me and actively avoided me for a couple of years. After they did that I never felt that any of them were real friends again, there was always a sense of distance between us which I could never bridge.

That period of my life was when I became self-contained and didn't allow myself to fully open up to anyone. I was so sad and lonely that I vowed to stay behind a wall and rely on being my own friend which is how I can now exist fairly contentedly on my own. I sometimes wish for companionship. When I do I remember the feeling of sadness that being let down by people I thought were my friends engendered, put aside the desire and get on with being a singleton.

That took an unexpected turn. When I started to moan about the cold I didn't imagine that I would end up explaining why I'm so unsociable and, some might say, unapproachable. I think I've written enough for now although I might expand on the subject another time; until then I'll say ttfn. Peace and love. x